5 Practical Ways to Set Boundaries With Confidence

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Kids are really good at crossing boundaries.

They love to be up in our personal space, they could care less if they see us naked in the shower, and feel a need to interrupt us the moment we begin having a conversation with someone else. It’s their nature to cross boundaries because they are young, naive, and very selfish. They’re learning how to regulate their emotions and how to be aware of others and their emotions. It's hard for them, so we can’t expect perfection by any means, but this is why we do need to set boundaries, teach boundaries, and stay consistent with boundaries. 

WHY BOUNDARIES ARE IMPORTANT

We have to remember that, as mamas, we’re not only nurturers and caregivers, but we are also parents and disciplers. We are discipling our children. Teaching them. Raising them to be kind human beings who love Jesus and lead in His Kingdom. So often, when we’re hit with difficulty or frustration on a day-to-day basis (read: a meltdown when a boundary has been set), we forget about the big picture, lean into the emotions of the moment, feel guilty for whatever reason we don’t need to feel guilty for, and take the less difficult way out. When we’re setting boundaries with our children, or trying to in this case, that teaches them that the boundary really isn’t that important and that it can be crossed. Not only does that allow them to disrespect our boundaries, but now they’re learning overall that boundaries aren’t serious and can be crossed a bit. This can lead to them disrespecting others’ boundaries and most importantly, not respecting their OWN boundaries. 

Teaching our children to respect our boundaries teaches them to set their own boundaries and ask for that same respect. Remember, our children are humans, too, and they also have boundaries. If we really think about it, they ask us to respect their boundaries all the time. Pay attention to the signs of them asking. Whether its a baby that pushes you away when you lean in for a cuddle, or a toddler that turns the other way when you ask for a hug, or an older kid that wants alone time away from mom, our kids have boundaries, too. We must honor and respect those boundaries just as we expect them to honor and respect our boundaries. 

STOP THE GUILT 

So, after hearing all of that, do we need to feel guilty for setting boundaries? Absolutely not. If you look at setting boundaries as an important, healthy part of parenting and catering to the growth of the relationship between you and your children, you will not feel guilty for setting them. 

However, this is where most of you struggle. I get many Direct Messages on Instagram telling me that you struggle with setting boundaries and as soon as I ask, “why?” you tell me it’s because you feel guilty. 

Guilty for what?! 

Let’s take a moment to define the word guilty: culpable of or responsible for a specified wrongdoing. 

Girl, are you committing a specified wrongdoing for setting boundaries? 

More likely than not, the answer is a hard no!

Now, of course, we want to check ourselves and our selfishness, ego, pride, etc. when setting boundaries. If we are coming at this from that headspace, then perhaps that guilt you’re feeling is a gentle conviction from the Lord. And, I say that loosely, because God is not a God of guilt or shame. Just conviction. When we aren’t mothering from a place of selfless service to our children and we’re saying “no” and setting unnecessary boundaries left and right and essentially ignoring our children all day, then that might be a sign that you may need to rethink some things. 

However, most of the time, the reasons you all are giving me do not fall under that at all. You can take a huge deep breath and rest assured that you have no reason to feel guilty for setting boundaries with your kids. 

Take a deep breath, you deserve space, you deserve time to breathe, you deserve to not be touched if you don’t feel like being touched right now, you deserve whatever it is that you’re setting a boundary from. You aren’t a bad mom for not wanting to play with or be touched by or even be near your kids 24/7. Whether it’s for space or to get things done. We have to remember that we have adult needs and our kids have kids’ needs. Just like need to tend to them to serve those kids’ needs (like attention or to bed fed), we also have to serve our own needs of work, responsibilities, eating, you name it. Setting boundaries is one of the ways we serve those adult needs. 

5 ways to set boundaries confidently 

1. Reverse engineer from problem to solution 

   • If you’re currently struggling with a certain boundary you’re trying to set, reverse engineer from problem to solution. What’s happening when you’re trying to set this boundary? What resistance are you met with? When you identify the problem you can more easily plan a solution.

     1. Example: setting boundaries with room time 

        1. What’s happening? 

           1. Your child keeps coming out of their room after you’ve set the expectation that they have an hour of room time 

        2. Resistance 

           1. Whining and complaining from your child 

           2. Guilt and frustration from you 

        3. Solutions

           1. Set up for success - make room time more inviting 

           2. Make sure all needs are met before room time - extra hugs, water cup, bathroom break, recently fed 

           3. Be consistent with expectations and discipline - if it’s a matter of disobedience, then discipline how you would your other matters of disobedience 

2. Acknowledge their feelings 

   • Always tell them that you understand they’re frustrated or how hard it is to wait, etc. Tell them when you can expect to give them the attention they are seeking so they have something to look forward to. Then, follow through with that promise. 

3. Practice 

   • Sounds weird, but practice! Practice how you will say things they next time around (especially if there was tension previously). Practice by actively doing it every day.

4. Make it routine 

   • Things like room time, independent playtime, etc should be written into your routine if they aren’t already, especially for younger kids. This helps them expect when it’s time to be by themselves and when it’s time to be with mama. The more they enjoy those built-in times, the more they will surprise you with other moments of independence 

5. Talk to your kids like they’re mini-adults 

   • Explain to them the boundary and why it’s important. For example, “mama doesn’t want to be touched right now. Sometimes we don’t want other people touching us and that’s normal. Sometimes you don’t like to be touched either. When mama says not to touch her you need to respect that.”  -- something along those lines that will help them understand things. You’ll have to repeat yourself as that’s a part of parenting, but it will begin to stick. 

Boundaries can and should be a part of your household and family rhythms.

Practically, boundaries will allow you to feel like you’re able to take ownership of your life, manage more things effectively, get more done, take care of yourself, and create space to be more present with your kids.

More importantly, boundaries allow us to honor ourselves as humans while teaching our children to honor themselves as humans and others as humans, too.